It is human nature to want to categorize things, to make all or nothing statements. But one of the amazing things about the human experience is that we are all unique individuals who can’t fit perfectly into a mold. This mold tends to be constructed of societal stereotypes of a demographic. There are a lot of myths, misconceptions, and stereotypes floating around out there about lesbians! We’re here to debunk a few for you.
1. All lesbians know each other
each other. TV and media have definitely perpetuated this myth (umm hello The L-Word) so it’s easy to see where this one comes from. The small size of our community can sometimes make it feel like you may know everyone, but in reality, the lesbians we know are just a small fraction of the lesbians out in the world.
2. All Lesbians hate men
This one is 100% not true. Lesbians don’t hate men! We’re just not attracted to them sexually. I think men are wonderful! But I don’t want to be with a man sexually. That preference doesn’t mean I hate all men. Yes, there are some men I dislike but there are also some women I dislike as well.
3. It’s easier for two people of the same gender to be in a relationship because women understand each other better
Again, definitely not true. Relationships, even those between two women, take work. You’re taking two entirely different people and meshing them together. Just because you have the same plumbing doesn’t mean you somehow magically have a better understanding of what goes on in their mind. That understanding comes with work and communication.
4. All lesbians are friends with their exes
This one is a toss up. I find that it really comes down to an individual’s personal preference on the matter. For me, my personal belief is that you can’t (and shouldn’t) be friends with an ex. Alexa takes a little bit of a softer approach. She believes that you can, but not immediately after a breakup. For the two of us everything is circumstantial. But I’ve definitely know lesbians who have remained really good friends with their exes without any problems.
5. All lesbians are experts at oral sex
Ha! I literally LOLed at this one. Just like with any individual (straight or gay and everything in between) practice makes practice but not perfection. What one person defines as being good may be totally different than how another feels about it. There are some lesbians who don’t really enjoy receiving oral sex all that much and then there are some who do! But just because someone is a lesbian, does not make them an expert by any means.
6. All lesbians share clothes with their girlfriends
Growing up with two sisters, I can probably be a little too protective of what is mine when it comes to clothes. So when it comes to sharing clothes I’m actually not a big fan. Borrowing a sweatshirt or a top here and there is fine, but I definitely don’t expect Alexa to put her wardrobe up for grabs for me. I love that the two of us have unique individual styles. I think that is just one of many things that makes us individuals. Now with that said, if you like sharing clothes with your lady, by all means go ahead and do it! But not all lesbians share clothing with their partners.
7. All lesbian relationships suffer from Lesbian Bed Death
Thanks to a lovely (not) study done in the 80s, we were gifted with the term lesbian bed death. The findings from this study claimed to show that lesbians in committed long-term relationships have less sex than their hetero counterparts. We’re calling total bullshit on this one. Lesbians experience the same ups and downs of the sex life of a relationship just like everyone else. If you do find yourself experiencing lesbian bed death that might be a sign it’s time for a change.
8. Lesbians are attracted to every woman they know
I actually ran into this when I came out. I had a friend who actually stopped being friends with me when I came out because she didn’t want to risk me developing feelings for her. Straight women of the world- just because a lesbian looks at you/ talks to you/ says a friendly hello/ does not mean she’s automatically attracted to you just because she likes women.
9. All lesbians are vegan/vegetarian
Nope. A fair number are, but not all of us. Neither Alexa or myself are vegan… the closest I would say we are is vegetarian-ish. Being vegan or vegetarian is a choice that has nothing to do with sexual orientation. While we support those who choose to be vegan/vegetarian, it 100% is a stereotype that all lesbians are. I remember when I came out, my mom asked me if I was also becoming a vegan. Answer: no. I love a good filet mignon too much.
10. All lesbians dress like men and want to be men.
Being attracted to women does not mean you want to be a man. As far as looks go, there are some lesbians who dress more masculine but there are also some who prefer to dress more feminine. There are lesbians who like a more androgynous style while other like a more athletic look. There is high-femme and soft-butch and baby-dyke and chapstick and lipstick and diesel and the list goes on and on. There is no one style associated with being a lesbian. Except Birkenstocks… always Birkenstocks.
11. You can spot a lesbian by the clothes she wears
Piggy backing off of #10, this is another myth that just ain’t true. We’ve all heard that lesbians love flannel. Well up until two years ago I didn’t own a single flannel shirt. And now flannel is everywhere! Gay or straight, everyone loves a good flannel for fall… or if you’re Alexa, year round. Style is what makes us individuals. How we choose to express ourselves stylistically doesn’t always correlate to our orientation. Alexa and I both identify as femme, but are still very much so lesbians.
12. All lesbian relationships have someone who is “the man” in the relationship
This might be the one that frustrates me the most. It leaves a sour taste in my mouth every time I hear it because the thinking behind it is just so binary. One man, one woman. Anything else, and people’s minds are blown to bits. No one is “the man” in any relationship. Relationships are made up of two equal individuals who brings their unique talents, skills, personalities, flaws, and attributes to the table.
13. Lesbians can’t be religious/spiritual
Sure we can! Lesbians have just as much of a right to be spiritual or religious as anyone else. Spirituality is the personal belief system of an individual that has little to do with who you go home to at night. There are a lot of inclusive places of worship today that celebrate people from all walks of life. While yes, some denominations consider homosexuality a sin there are faiths out there that are fully and equally accepting of everyone.
14. Sleeping with a woman is the only way to really know if you are a lesbian
I mean it doesn’t hurt, but it’s definitely not the only way to know. I knew I was gay when I was 13 but I hadn’t slept with a woman yet. No act can truly determine your sexuality. That’s something you need to listen to your intuition about.
15. Lesbians just haven’t found the right man yet
No. No. No. no. No. No. Just No
16. U-hauling is a way of life for lesbians
Moving in together immediately isn’t a thing reserved solely for lesbians. I’ve know plenty of couples (both straight and gay) who have moved in together after a short time. Just like anyone else, there are lesbians out there who are afraid of commitment or ones who just want to date without such a large commitment up front. But we can assure that not every lesbian shows up on the second date with a U-haul.
17. All lesbians are into kinky sex
Kinks are in no way shape or form related to sexuality. Kinks are not reserved for the LGBTQ+ community. Lesbians tend to be fetishized by the porn industry which leads to the belief that we are more into kinky sex than our other human counterparts. This is a line of thinking that needs to end.
18. Lesbian sex isn’t a valid form of sex
False. What sex is or isn’t can’t be universally defined. It is unique to the individuals. Who has the right to say what sex is and isn’t for an entire subset of people?
19. All lesbians are certain of their sexuality and come out when they are young
Definitely not true. Sexuality is fluid and for some, something that is questioned often, and that is okay! There are people who come out when they’re young or when they’re in their twenties and even later in life. There is no timeframe for coming out. Come out only if and when it feels right to you. It’s also totally find to come out as one thing and later evolve into another label. Nothing needs to be concrete if that isn’t your truth.
20. All lesbians have short fingernails
For practical reasons, there are probably higher number of us who do indeed keep their nails short, but it’s not a universal sign of a lesbian.
The big takeaway here: Lesbians, they are just normal everyday people.
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