I won’t say our journey to business ownership was a traditional one. We didn’t have an idea that we dreamt about for years. We didn’t have a side hustle that we finally felt equipped to take full-time. Hell, we hadn’t even been dating that long and we weren’t living together yet. But, we lept, into business, into a shared bed and into the wonderful world of being partners in every sense of the word.
Let’s back up.
To introduce ourselves, we are Marti and Ash. Marti’s pronouns are she/her/hers and Ash’s are they/them/theirs. We are both earth signs with water moons, who love food, plants, traveling and our dog, Thistle. We are the proud owners of two small businesses together, Thistle’s Summit: Bed & Breakfast, a queer destination in Mount Vernon, Iowa, and Amythest Content Marketing. Never in a million years did we imagine our business partner and the person we cuddle up with in bed every night would be one in the same.
Our idea to start Thistle’s Summit came from the source of many good ideas: the bottom of a bottle of red wine. At the time, we were passionate workaholics for our respective nonprofit jobs. By all accounts, we had our dream jobs, though we worked 60+ hours per week and rarely came up for air. On nights when we could have dinner together we talked about how something felt like it was missing.
One such evening over a bottle of Shiraz we talked about farmers starting B&B’s to make money on the rising agro-tourism trend. Feeling a bit emboldened, Marti said, “We could totally open a B&B. How hard would it be?” A Zillow search, a mystical message from the universe, and a stately 1902 Victorian home later, we quit our jobs to create a new life. A space designed by queer people, for queer people. It all seemed too delicious. We had no idea how we were going to do it but we knew we had to do it together.
Even in our relationship’s infancy we found joy in working together. Whether it was planning a spaghetti fundraiser for our DSA chapter or typing away on our separate laptops in our favorite coffee shop, work was something that felt more fun together. Of course, the scale of this endeavor was a lot larger and “more burn your life down and start completely over” than we had ever embarked on before. Two years later we are looking back on some lessons that we learned about ourselves, our business and each other.
1. Crystal Clear Expectations
I was halfway through removing linoleum tiles from our entryway to expose the original hardwood floors when Ash began crying. They told me that they weren’t sure if they wanted to open the bed and breakfast. Months into house renovation and weeks away from opening our doors, standing waist deep in discarded tile was not my idealized moment to have this discussion. However, it was the essential moment to reassess our goals and set clear expectations of the business and each other. We got real. Real real. We talked about doubts that we put off discussing for fear of momentum loss. Nothing was off the table.
We talked about how we would feel if we failed—as a couple or as a business. It was through this moment of radical honesty that we were able to create a plan to move forward. While this example was a critical moment for us in our journey to fully realized partnership, this is essential ongoing work to make sure that we are on the same page. While we are partners, we are different people and occasionally have separate visions that must be valued, discussed and integrated into our master plan to ensure that we can move forward in tandem.
2. The Magic Question
When living and working with someone you love boundaries can get blurry. Sometimes there are nights hunched over a laptop in bed and a comment comes from the person you love, but you are not sure which hat they are wearing at that moment. Cement the following phrase in your brain. Use it often.
Are you talking to me as my life partner or my business partner?
Asking this question allows you to establish a healthy boundary and protects sensitivities.
The first few months we were open were FULL of learning curves and the occasional hurt feeling while we learned how to negotiate the business arm of our partnership. One such evening we were talking about social media marketing and my feelings were hurt by a critique that Ash made about our marketing. Ash has worked in marketing for years and I felt like a bit of a novice, but it was a skill I really wanted to develop, so I had volunteered to run Thistle’s Summit’s Instagram. My initial reaction was to shut down and cease sharing with Ash because I didn’t want to feel wrong. I asked the magic question.
What could have ended in an argument became an opportunity. Ash told me that as my life partner they were extremely proud of me for how quickly I was learning, but as a business partner they thought if I made these small tweaks we would see a better ROI.
The magic question allows both of us to feel like we can communicate honestly while knowing that we navigate every conversation with love.
3. Play Becomes More Important Than Ever
As two earth signs who literally love work this advice might be the most difficult for us to follow. When you’re an entrepreneur you live for the hustle, you love the prospect of obtaining a new client or launching a new idea or just getting a PR mention in a publication. And as an entrepreneur, you know that these things don’t come without copious work. Sometimes the pursuit of it all can feel like play to us.
Which means we need to go the extra mile to shut our laptops, turn off our phone and go find space together that is not at all about our business. For us it is often hiking with our dog. We work out so many problems on the trail without even intending to. One of the reasons we love living in Iowa is because you’re never too far from nature. We are always telling our guests to hit the trails but we are pretty susceptible to ignoring our own advice. Play rejuvenates us and it strengthens our business partnership and our relationship. We come back from our play breaks with a little more space in our brain and heart.
4. Unplug Whenever Possible
Listen: There will always be another demand on your time.
Whether it is a reservation request, slew of emails or launching the newest extension of your business. There is always something and there is never a good time to totally unplug. In fact, when your output directly correlates with your income, it can seem downright scary to unplug.
But you HAVE to.
One of the ways that we maintain healthy boundaries about work and with each other is through saying, “Fuck it, we need this time to only be life partners. The business can wait.”
This can look like unplugging together on a vacation to the high desert of Sedona or unplugging in smaller doses separately. One of Marti’s favorite ways to unplug is to spend half a day at a local botanical garden or greenhouse surrounded by plants.
Unplugging only works to restore you if you actually do it. Throw the phone on airplane mode or totally off. Instagram, email, Twitter, all of it can wait and will still be there when you return. Your clients value a timely response, but you don’t owe them 24/7 access to you or your relationship.
5. Celebrate Your Success and Honor Your Failures
One of my favorite things about Ash is that they are excellent at making me feel appreciated as a partner. One of the best ways they do this is asking how we are going to celebrate [fill in the accomplishment here]. It doesn’t matter how big or small the victory is, it’s worth celebration.
Entrepreneurship is hard. There are a lot of $0 days, doubts and 18-hour work days that are thankless. We make it a priority to celebrate the hell out of moments that make us say, “This is why we chose this life.” Celebrating can look like getting a coffee and going to the dog park in the middle of the day. Journaling about how you both feel at that exact moment. Or it can be putting on a fancy outfit and eating something that makes your eyes roll in the back of your head because it is so decadent.
A sort of silly way that we celebrate our small wins is with stickers. When we have done a good job striking a balance between life and work we award the other one with a sticker for our planner. It is a simple gesture but it is one that indicates, I see your effort and I love you for it as a life partner and a business partner.
On the flip side we all have shity days. There are moments that are hard and make you question why you’re doing what you’re doing. It is okay to feel sorry for yourself and to be filled with insecurities. In those moments, eat some comfort food, go have a beer and commiserate. Grow your relationship through that moment of failure. Console one another so that years from now you can look back and see how far you have come.
6. Know your Role and Express Gratitude
We often joke that our dog, Thistle, thinks that Ash is the good mommy and Marti is the mean mommy. Now neither one of us is objectively the mean or the good mommy, but we understand that because we are two unique people with different skills, and we navigate the world in our own ways.
When it comes to our business we each play to our strengths in order to deliver the best possible product for our guests. We know that we only really shine if we make space for our partner to shine. Ash is the head astrologer and works with guests to deliver amazing natal chart readings that make their stay memorable. Marti loves to cook and handles breakfast and appetizers. Ash is not a morning person so they take care of late night duties, while Marti chats with guests over coffee.
Of course, we are happy to fill in for the other’s role, though Marti doesn’t know anything about astrology. But, we know that what we bring to the table as individuals has extreme value to our guests and to our partner. We know we can’t do it alone. It’s through the blend of our skills that the magic happens. Showing gratitude for your partner, holding space for them to succeed, and expressing thanks for all that they do keeps you on the path forward and away from the cycle of resentment.
7. Check In
You all know the stereotypes about queer womxn and we here to tell you they are tried and true for a reason. Processing and talking about our experience (sometimes to death) is just as important in our intimate relationship as it is in our business partnership.
We had a guest a few months ago who did something that made each of us feel uncomfortable for different reasons. The guest had a great time and wanted to book a few rooms for a future date. Smart business would say we should have taken the guaranteed income, but each of us felt uneasy.
We checked in with each other, first and foremost, as life partners to make sure we felt emotionally and physically safe from the prior experience and then talked as business partners about ramifications for refusing her future reservation. Then we talked, talked and talked some more and came to the conclusion that there is no amount of money worth feeling uncomfortable in our own home.
Partnerships only work if decisions are made together. From an external perspective, it would be easy to view the time we spend processing and discussing as a profit loss. It is actually a gain in every sense of the word. We gain a deeper understanding of one another and how we would like our future to look.
Be ready to talk it out at a moment’s notice, but also have a consistent check-in meeting. A daily or weekly download with your partner makes sure that you’re showing up as your full self and coming prepared to be honest and open. Growth happens in these moments and it is how you create your vision for your enterprise.
While working with your partner can come with blood, sweat and tears, even upon occasion MANY of the later, we wouldn’t change it for the world. We truly are better together. Through creating our business we have been able to create the life that we had been searching for. We feel so lucky to have found in each other someone who is brave and hardworking, and perhaps most of all, loving and supportive of our wild ideas, in life, business and love.
Meet Marti Payseur, one of our fabulous Guest Gem Bloggers! She is the co-owner of Iowa’s Queerest B&B: Thistle’s Summit B&B and Amethyst Content Marketing. She is a passionate observer, writer and event expert. Marti is a native Iowan and lives in Mount Vernon with her partner, Ash and dog Thistle. And she also makes damn near the perfect chocolate chip cookie.
IG: @martipayseur or @thistlessummit
Twitter: @marti_payseur
Are you interested in becoming a guest blogger? We’d love to have you as a Guest Gem. Feel free to reach out to us via our contact page.
